Mister Worthington's awake and he's going to be okay and I did nothing but fret and worry and more fret and I was so scared and I prayed nonstop but -- but now it's okay, it's going to be okay.

Only then maybe God is laughing at me because I was so busy being ecstatic and relieved that we weren't gonna lose him and then -- then -- then -- Miss Sunset --

I can't think, I can't process, I can't breathe. I had family -- I thought I had family. She wanted me to move in with her. To adopt me? I don't know. She wanted to be my family. And now she's gone, and I can't --

Kaji took me flying, and I needed it so badly. To leave the world behind. To leave all of it behind.

I'm not sure even my illusions can hide how broken everything feels inside. I thought things would get better, I thought I could deal with the world, but this? Now? I -- I.

I need wings.

For now, I'll borrow his.

Pancakes yay.

You know, I've always wanted a sibling. Though I guess I'm old enough to be more uncle than brother for Zoe -- even so! Even so.

I guess I have a lot of people I need to talk to, now. I'm slowly getting back to the point where I feel like I can.

Slowly!

Home. I ain't sure I know anymore what that means. I ain't sure anymore I've got one.

But I've got safe, and quiet, and --

and cookies.

She really is very nice.

I hope Mister Zachery likes his room.

I don't belong here, though. I didn't mean to upset Hollow, I really didn't. And it isn't wrong no more'n is wrong for cats to eat fish -- I just -- I made him sad, I could see it. And he gets that all the time up top I'm sure but he shouldn't get it down here, not down here in his home -- I can't stay here, not where I might upset people.

Also, my wolf-angel was real. He saved my life (ruined my death?) and I thought I'd imagined him, but he's real. I should have hugged him maybe but I was sort of busy being -- I don't know. Shocky. That seems to be my default state these days.



Redecorating. With Super Soakers.


(And Jax is gone from the Tunnels again! It was a brief stay. He has left them v. scrubbed clean in his wake, though. And slightly redecorated. Cheerfully.)

I really don't know what to say that isn't horribly sappy and I know he isn't really the biggest fan of horribly sappy but -- but -- but. But.

I'm just glad I have him.

At some point in the middle of the night last night, Jackson left Sunset's apartment; an easy enough thing to accomplish quietly, considering his complete lack of any personal belongings to gather and pack. He left a note, simple and brief and uninformative -- Thank you for everything. Love, Jax. -- the words printed in his distinctively slanted and spiky handwriting beneath a pencil drawing of an angel.

I'm out now. But I can't stay here. Just long enough to get my head together. Then find some place new. Safe? No. Probably there is no safe. Not for me. But at least safe from me.

I'm past looking for home or family or silly hope-ful things like that that I can't have, but at least I can look for a place to hide.

Don't knwo who elt her in why people are coming shouldn't be coming here now nt here not now
don't want. people. want my brain i think they took my brain

the light won't listen
but at least the world is going away

I missed church. oh no.

( 'Don't care if they'd have to lock me up, too, I'd still hang out with you.' [Canvas] )
( Reply letter to Cole, 14 April )

won't get out of here -- can't get out -- i'll just take it with me


OOC note: Jax isn't seeing visitors anymore. Period! At all. So unless your char can muscle/lie/bribe/sneak/fight/dreamfully project (HI RICH)/etc their way in, they can't get to him. Sorry. My RL is less than ideal at the moment.

Brothers. Huh.

Parents. Mister Worthington and Miss Sunset say even if I can't get mine back, there's other people --

but there's not. There's not. Mister Worthington has Cole and Miss Sunset has her little girl who'll be born soon and I'm not their kid and I never will be -- anyone's -- not anymore. They have their families and I -- I don't really fit into them. I don't. And no matter how veryveryveryveryvery much I wish I could be their family, I can't just shove myself in where I don't belong. And Mister Worthington says lots of people would want me but -- it's not true. He wouldn't If I asked him He'd never want I don't know if the law would let him and Sunset both have me, anyway and it's not like they'd really want me in the end

Everything is too confusing. I just want the world to go away again. Maybe the medication they're snarling at me to take will make the world go away. Antipsychotics antianxiety antidepression -- take a pill, fix everythingeverythingeverything --

I'm so tired. I can't think. I used to believe in magic -- magic like Miss Sunset's, maybe, or magic like fairies or magic like love and now I don't know what I believe except that everything hurts too much to think and they say to talk to them, to ask for help, to ask them for what I need, but I can't even begin to explain how very much I want him her them a family

sleep. I want sleep.




Jackson's reply to Cole, both letter and a coloured-pencil drawing of an angel (albeit rather a punk one, with purple hair and an eyebrow ring though his wings are like Warren's) given today to Sunset to give to her at her earliest convenience.

It's weird. She says it, and when she says it, it sounds true.

I did it. It's over. I couldn't exactly tell him the real reason why. God help me. Please, help me. I don't know who else can.

If you fall, I will catch you; I will be waiting. Time after time...

(after time after time after time after time after time after time after time...)


Spreading the word.


Practice practice practice.

That was -- people. They're people. I mean, they were coming -- so many of them. To make a new home? A new life? I wish we could know what happened to them. Where they were from, what they were hoping for.

I'm pretty sure they weren't hoping for this.